MyDivorcePapers Blog

We're here to make your life easier to manage and to help you begin your new start.

Parenting Advice From Grown Children of DivorceMany people wonder how their divorce process is going to affect their children, and we asked some grown children of divorced families what they wish their parents had done differently.  Nobody is perfect, and every family is different, but these were some of the most common things mentioned when  raising children after a divorce.

Children are Not Pawns

Your children are not tools for you to use in securing a better divorce settlement or spousal support.  Trying to win the favor of your child(ren) over your ex may seem harmless, but it can cause long-lasting issues and dysfunctional dynamics to develop when you try to manipulate your children.

Remember, your life is not the only one to take into consideration.  In some cases, the courts will even look unfavorably on you if they feel you are trying to coerce the children.  In other words, even spoiling your children out of a sense of guilt for getting a divorce or as a deliberate attempt at manipulation is not advisable.

Do Not Vilify The Other Parent

Keep in mind that your child is not just your child.  Both you and your partner brought that child into the world, and now that child consists of the two of you.  So, when you say negative things about your ex to your children, they instinctively feel as though you are criticizing them as well.  Regardless of how justified you feel these criticisms are, your child is not responsible, and they are not your therapist or the person you tell all your feelings to.

Especially nowadays, some parents have difficulty approaching their children as a parent rather than as a friend, but the truth is that no matter how close you may be to your child, that child’s parents are off limits as far as criticism is concerned.  Think:  if one of your friends from work started criticizing or speaking poorly of your parents, how would you feel?

Give It Time Before Getting Into Another Relationship

As heartbreaking and traumatic as the experience has been for you, as lonely as you may feel, it is far worse for your children.  They need to know that not only were they not the reason you decided to file for divorce, but also that they are the most important people in your life.

Running off with a new boyfriend or girlfriend right after separating tells them the exact opposite of that, especially if they see less of you as a result.  Actions speak louder than words, and if your actions say, “I’d rather be with this person than you,” then your children will pick up on that, no matter how old they are.  Also, before getting into a relationship after a divorce, introduce that person to your children and see how they like the person.  No matter how much you like that person, if your children do not sign off on that person, then go no further with that relationship.  When you have children, their needs take priority over your wants.

Divorce Is A Last Resort

Before you serve your spouse with divorce forms, make sure you have exhausted every possible option to save your marriage.  Many states have provisions to make sure all these other options (counseling, family therapy, etc.) have been pursued before finalizing a divorce anyways, so even if you do decide to get a divorce, at least you will have further evidence to prove your case.  More importantly, though, is that you might find a divorce isn’t necessary after all.   Obviously, the least amount of drama in a family, the better of your kids will be.  However, if that is impossible and there is no other way than to get a divorce, then you should feel proud knowing that you did everything in your power for the benefit of your children.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Home | Leadership Team | Help Center | Privacy Policy | Terms & Conditions | Disclaimer

© 2014, All Rights Reserved.

Back to Top