In the divorce blogosphere, few influencers come more highly regarded than therapist Aaron Anderson of FamilyShare. His blogs are routinely shared on social media by the thousands, and his insights — particularly into the world of the married man — are unparalleled. This was recently on display in his December post “5 ways you are unknowingly destroying your wife and killing your marriage.”
While much of what Anderson said struck me as interesting, it was this item that specifically caught my attention.
Withholding physical affection: “Yes, men do this, too. Physical affection is more than just sex. It includes giving her hugs before you leave for work, holding her hand in the aisle at the grocery store and pulling her close to you when you’re watching a movie on the couch together. If you’re withholding these things from her, you’re withholding physical affection that she thrives on. The affection you try to show inside the bedroom will never make up for the physical affection you show her outside the bedroom.”
This part set me to thinking about the ways that men do withhold affection and how it can lead to a wife deciding to file for divorce.
1. Men withhold by not paying enough attention.
Many times the withholding has nothing to do with spite and it has everything to do with complacency. When you’re doing the same thing day in and day out to a mind-numbing degree — happens to all of us — it’s easy to get sucked in to the same boring routines when you’re at home. You start to take each other for granted because, despite the high rate of divorce, there’s a misconception that you’re married and therefore the work is done.
2. Men withhold as a weapon.
Sometimes men are so standoffish with their feelings and lack the energy to put in effort for their marriages. As a result, when something is really bothering them, they can show that by consciously or subconsciously withholding intimacy. This is just as destructive of a behavior as it is when a woman does it.
The danger of withholding affection is that it can seem like such an incidental thing that builds up without your knowledge before finally manifesting itself in divorce papers. If this is something you find yourself doing, men or women, snap out of it. You could be killing your marriage without realizing.