In a recent article for Huffington Post, contributor Terry Gaspard took a look at the phenomenon of grey divorce, which exists when one (or both) in an over-50 marriage decide to file for divorce. Gaspard writes the article from the vantage point of the grown children, who are forced to cope with the idea that Mom and Dad no longer wish to be together so late in life.
“In fact, adult children of divorced parents (ACODS) tend to be the forgotten ones because common wisdom tells us they won’t be as impacted as much as children by parental divorce,” Gaspard explains. “However, ACODS may find themselves in plenty of tricky situations that younger children are spared, such as hearing about their parents’ dating life.”
An Understandable Problem
It’s somewhat understandable why grey divorce would be such a big deal to the grown children. They might have come to look at their parents’ relationship as a model for what a marriage should be. Once the divorce papers have been filed, though, it causes one to question their own relationship.
Furthermore, the unpleasantness of hearing about your parents’ dating life, as Gaspard states, can be difficult for some.
As Seinfeld’s George Costanza once said to his separated mother, who claimed to be “out there” as in “on the dating scene” — “You’re not out there. You can’t be because I am out there. And if I see you out there there’s not enough voltage in this world to electro-shock me back into coherence.”
What To Do If Your Parents Are Going Through A Grey Divorce
Gaspard recommends setting and keeping healthy boundaries between your own life and the lives of your parents. “If one or both of your parents is sharing too much personal information or relying too much on you for support they need to know how you feel,” she writes. “Or, if one parent badmouths the other one, you need to tell them to stop.”
She also cautions that you resist getting caught in the middle between both parents. “You can be sympathetic if one or both parents ask you to settle a dispute or expect you to be their counselor or mediator. But saying something like ‘I’m sorry you’re hurting but I need to stay out of this,’ will hopefully communicate the message you desire.”
Finally, as we’ve alluded to above, Gaspard warns about comparing your romantic relationships to that of your parents.’ “Attempt to see yourself as capable of learning from the past, rather than repeating it.”
For a full list of Gaspard’s recommendations to coping with grey divorce once the divorce forms are final, check out the link here.
Are your parents going through this phenomenon? Does it concern you for your own relationship? Share your thoughts below.