In a new post, blogger and therapist Susan Pease Gadoua outlines the keys to a healthy marriage when you realize you are no longer in love with your spouse. The notion is that many people decide to file for divorce when they may not have to, provided they are willing to change the terms of their marriage. The result: a parenting marriage.
It’s like “staying together for the kids,” but only with an eyes-wide-open approach. Here’s what Gadoua suggests, while noting that it isn’t for everyone, of course.
1. Both spouses agree and accept (and this acceptance is crucial) that the marriage they used to have is over. That is, the love-based relationship is over.
2. Both spouses agree that the primary purpose of their marriage now is to be good co-parents and raise healthy kids in as stable an environment as possible.
3. Together, both spouses will tell the kids honestly and openly about the changing nature of the marriage so that they don’t have to wonder.
(Note that some couples need a temporary break — a time-out, if you will. One couple lived apart for 18 months.)
4. Both spouses agree on the terms of their new marriage. Examples include one sleeping upstairs, the other downstairs; agreeing on a schedule of time with the kids; agreeing to separate financial obligations other than those that impact the family (mortgage, insurance payments, etc.); agreeing that in their free time, they can go anywhere, see anyone and do anything they wish; that each can have another relationship but that no one is introduced to the kids without prior permission.
If you and your spouse are reluctant to file divorce papers because you’re afraid of what the fallout might do to your kids, this option may be worth considering. However, it may not address one vital component to what you’re hoping to accomplish, and that’s giving your child an example of a healthy relationship on which to build all their future romantic endeavors.
The situation, in other words, seems more like a passionless patch to a bad situation that few people would want to hand down to their kids as ideal. But then, maybe that’s just the traditionalist talking in us. What do you think, readers? Is Gadoua’s prescription for a good “parenting marriage” sensible or does it delay the inevitable signing of divorce forms? Share your thoughts in our comments section.
Wow, never heard of this as a suggestion. I believe it would take a very mature, emotionally healthy and stable set of people to accomplish this successfully and if that were the case, they could probably work on their marriage in a more healthy way. The only hope it gives is to provide a patch during a rough time in a marriage, which could be a valid point. Many long term successful marriages say there were many difficult times and if you can just see them through, you may be able to come back together. With my first marriage, I feel that if given the time & space to separate for a while and then re-connect, I could have fallen in love with him again.